This review of Dan Brown’s “Inferno”, written in the style of Dan Brown by Telegraph book critic Michael Deacon, cried out for a dramatic retelling.
This is my first play!
CHARACTERS
RENOWNED AUTHOR DAN BROWN (RADB)
Dressed in expensive-looking pajamas, robe, and slippers; perhaps carrying an unlit pipe.
JOHN UNCONVINCINGNAME
His agent. Dressed in business attire.
SECRETARY / MRS DAN BROWN
Dressed in casual clothes.
NARRATOR
Dressed in a suit.
SETTING
Four microphones on stands are set across the stage.
- NARRATOR stands audience right, holding a script; their microphone is slightly forward of the others.
- RENOWNED AUTHOR DAN BROWN stands to the left of the Narrator. Behind him is a small telephone stand with an old-style phone.
- JOHN UNCONVINCINGNAME sits next, in an office chair, clearly reading a hardcover copy of Inferno. Within reach is another old-style telephone on a stand.
- SECRETARY stands last.
PERFORMANCE NOTES
- During the play, whenever the Narrator mentions “Renowned Author Dan Brown,” the actor playing Dan Brown should nod, bow, curtsey, or otherwise acknowledge the praise.
- The Narrator ignores this.
- Other actors may mime clapping or smiling at RADB, then immediately return to waiting their turn to speak.
- Pronunciations:
- Caravaggio — cahr-ah-VAH-gee-oh
- Rodin — row-DAN (like the flying Japanese monster)
- Keats — KEETS
- Whenever SECRETARY is not speaking or interacting with the Agent, Narrator, or Renowned Author Dan Brown, they should be playing on their phone and ignoring the others.
THE PLAY
SECRETARY
Don’t make fun of renowned author Dan Brown!
(SECRETARY returns to their phone.)
DAN BROWN
(RADB stands, listening intently to the Narrator, acting out how the Narrator says he is feeling. RADB waves to the audience.)
That’s me!
NARRATOR
(When the Narrator says “Renowned Author Dan Brown,” RADB does a “who has two thumbs and is a renowned author? THIS GUY!” motion.)
Renowned author Dan Brown woke up in his luxurious four-poster bed in his expensive ten-million-dollar house—and immediately he felt angry. Most people would have thought that the forty-eight-year-old man had no reason to be angry. After all, the famous writer had a new book coming out. But that was the problem. A new book meant an inevitable attack on the rich novelist by the wealthy wordsmith’s fiercest foes.
The critics.
SECRETARY, AGENT, AND RENOWNED AUTHOR DAN BROWN
(Everyone except the Narrator boos and hisses, urging the audience to join in. The Narrator pauses until the noise dies down.)
NARRATOR
(When the Narrator says “Renowned Author Dan Brown,” RADB bows briefly. Agent and Secretary point to him. Narrator pauses for this.)
Renowned author Dan Brown hated the critics. Ever since he had become one of the world’s top renowned authors, they had made fun of him. They had mocked bestselling book The Da Vinci Code, successful novel Digital Fortress, popular tome Deception Point, money-spinning volume Angels & Demons, and chart-topping work of narrative fiction The Lost Symbol.
The critics said his writing was clumsy, ungrammatical, repetitive, and repetitive. They said it was full of unnecessary tautology. They said his prose was mired in a sea of mixed metaphors. For some reason, they found something funny in sentences such as—
AGENT
(reading aloud, slowly)
“His eyes went white, like a shark about to attack.”
(Agent shakes his head, in disbelief.)
What?
(Looks to Secretary.)
Find out if shark eyes change color when they attack.
SECRETARY
On it.
(SECRETARY immediately returns to their phone, ignoring the question.)
RENOWNED AUTHOR DAN BROWN
(raising arms in disbelief)
They even say my books are packed with banal and superfluous description!
NARRATOR
Thought the five-foot-nine-inch man. He particularly hated it when they said his imagery was nonsensical. It made his insect eyes flash like a rocket.
(RADB looks proud. Agent mouths “flash like a rocket” and glances at Secretary.)
SECRETARY
(sighing)
On it.
NARRATOR
(When Narrator says “Renowned Author Dan Brown,” RADB bows and scrapes. Agent and Secretary mime silent applause. Narrator pauses.)
Renowned author Dan Brown got out of his luxurious four-poster bed in his expensive ten-million-dollar house and paced the bedroom, using the feet located at the ends of his two legs to propel him forwards. He knew he shouldn’t care what a few jealous critics thought. His new book Inferno was coming out on Tuesday, and the four-hundred-eighty-page hardback published by Doubleday with a recommended US retail price of $29.95 was sure to be a hit.
Wasn’t it?
RENOWNED AUTHOR DAN BROWN
(concerned)
I’ll call my agent!
NARRATOR
Pondered the prosperous scribe. He reached for the telephone using one of his two hands.
(RADB picks up the phone behind him. Simultaneously, Secretary picks up the phone beside the Agent.)
RENOWNED AUTHOR DAN BROWN
(best telephone voice)
Hello, this is renowned author Dan Brown.
NARRATOR
(When Narrator says RADB, RADB holds the handset aloft in a victory pose.)
Spoke renowned author Dan Brown.
RENOWNED AUTHOR DAN BROWN
I want to talk to literary agent John Unconvincingname.
SECRETARY
(rolling eyes)
Mr. Unconvincingname, it’s renowned author Dan Brown.
(Nothing special happens when Secretary says RADB. That’s a Narrator thing.)
(Secretary hands phone to Agent. Agent is about to speak when Narrator interrupts.)
NARRATOR
Told the voice at the other end of the line. Instantly, the voice at the other end of the line was replaced by a different voice at the other end of the line.
AGENT
(waiting briefly)
Hello, it’s literary agent John Unconvincingname—
NARRATOR
Informed the new voice at the other end of the line.
RENOWNED AUTHOR DAN BROWN
Hello agent John, it’s client Dan.
NARRATOR
Commented the pecunious scribbler.
RENOWNED AUTHOR DAN BROWN
I’m worried about new book Inferno. I think critics are going to say it’s badly written.
AGENT
(sighs)
NARRATOR
The voice at the other end of the line gave a sigh, like a mighty oak toppling into a great river—or something else that didn’t sound like a sigh if you gave it a moment’s thought.
AGENT
(exasperated; standing)
Who cares what the stupid critics say?
NARRATOR
Advised the literary agent.
AGENT
(pacing)
They’re just snobs. You have millions of fans.
RENOWNED AUTHOR DAN BROWN
(brightening)
That’s true!
NARRATOR
Mused the accomplished composer of thrillers that combined religion, high culture, and conspiracy theories.
AGENT
(starting)
Think—
NARRATOR
(interrupting)
His books were read by everyone from renowned politician President Obama to renowned musician Britney Spears. It was said that a copy of The Da Vinci Code had even found its way into the hands of renowned monarch the Queen.
AGENT
(trying again)
Think—
NARRATOR
(grinning)
He was grateful for his good fortune and gave thanks every night in his prayers to renowned deity God.
AGENT
(suspicious)
Think…
NARRATOR
(feints interruption, doesn’t)
AGENT
Think of all the money you’ve made!
NARRATOR
Recommended the literary agent.
RENOWNED AUTHOR DAN BROWN
(very happy)
That’s true, too!
NARRATOR
(When Narrator says RADB, Agent and Secretary stand and mime cheering as RADB waves bashfully.)
The thriving ink-slinger’s wealth had allowed him to indulge his passion for great art. Among his proudest purchases were a specially commissioned landscape by acclaimed painter Vincent van Gogh and a signed first edition by revered scriptwriter William Shakespeare.
Renowned author Dan Brown smiled, the ends of his mouth curving upwards in a physical expression of pleasure. He felt much better. If your books brought innocent delight to millions of readers, what did it matter whether you knew the difference between a transitive and an intransitive verb?
RENOWNED AUTHOR DAN BROWN
Thanks, John.
(RADB and Agent hang up simultaneously. Agent resumes reading.)
NARRATOR
He thanked. Then he put down the telephone—
RENOWNED AUTHOR DAN BROWN
(Confused; picks up phone and hangs it up again more forcefully. Narrator continues uninterrupted.)
NARRATOR
—and perambulated on foot to the desk behind which he habitually sat on a chair to write his famous books on an Apple iMac MD093B/A computer. New book Inferno, the latest in his celebrated series about fictional Harvard professor Robert Langdon, was inspired by top Italian poet Dante.
It wouldn’t be the last in the lucrative sequence. He had all the sequels mapped out: The Mozart Acrostic. The Michelangelo Wordsearch. The Newton Sudoku.
The one-hundred-ninety-pound adult male human being nodded his head to indicate satisfaction and returned to his bedroom by walking there. Still asleep in the luxurious four-poster bed of the expensive ten-million-dollar house was beautiful wife Mrs. Brown.
RENOWNED AUTHOR DAN BROWN
(Waves to Secretary. She waves briefly, then returns to her phone.)
NARRATOR
(No special RADB reaction. RADB gazes admiringly at Secretary.)
Renowned author Dan Brown gazed admiringly at the pul… pulch… pulkrit—
(Narrator struggles with pronunciation, consulting script. Agent shrugs. Secretary approaches; whispers “PULL-kra-TOO-din-us.”)
Pulchritudinous brunette’s blonde tresses, flowing from her head like a stream but made from hair instead of water and without any fish in. She was as majestic as the finest sculpture by Caravaggio or the most coveted portrait by Rodin.
RENOWNED AUTHOR DAN BROWN
(ecstatic)
I like the attractive woman!
NARRATOR
Thought the successful man.
Perhaps one day, inspired by beautiful wife Mrs. Brown—
(Secretary curtsies)
—he would move into romantic poetry, like market-leading British rhymester John Keats.
RENOWNED AUTHOR DAN BROWN
That would be good.
NARRATOR
Opined the talented person, and got back into the luxurious four-poster bed. He felt as happy as a man who has something to be happy about and is suitably happy about it.
(Agent shuts the book forcefully and stands. The book remains displayed on the chair. Agent, Secretary, and Narrator fade backstage as Renowned Author Dan Brown bathes happily in the good feelings he has about himself and his work.)
END
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